


Artistic endeavours

by Grooot



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Feminist Themes, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 15:10:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16369979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grooot/pseuds/Grooot
Summary: An act of artivism. An arrest. Someone needs to bail them out.A brief one-shot on Maddie and Cathy (with a dash of Hermione and a drop of Severus).Inspired by the characters from Inkstains.





	Artistic endeavours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zigadenus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zigadenus/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Inkstains](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8979892) by [Zigadenus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zigadenus/pseuds/Zigadenus). 



> Happy birthday Zig!!
> 
> If anyone reads this, do yourself a favour and read the inspiration for it. :D

Sergeant Pezutti looked up at Nelson’s Column.

The bronze plaques gleamed satisfactorily in the light of an uncharacteristically glorious autumn day. The Column itself thrust magnificently into the sky, and the noble figure of Nelson stared heroically into the distance.

The only slight imperfection in the overall solemnity of the monument, was the enormous glitter-purple dildo that was stuck, proudly half-erect, to the front of the statue’s placket.

“He’s certainly packing a monster,” commented Constable Peachey, “no wonder he looks so proud of himself.”

Pezutti, trying to maintain the right amount of gravitas for the situation, held back a laugh.

“Well, we’d better sort this out,” he sighed.

They walked to the base of the column and looked up at the two women who were hanging off the column, draping a banner that read ‘Fuck the Patriachy’ underneath Nelson’s semi.

“All right, down you come!” Pezutti called up.

“Thanks but no thanks,” shouted the smaller of the two women, who sported enthusiastically applied black eyeliner and choppy, angry-looking red hair.

“Don’t take it personally!” added her lanky accomplice cheerfully, flipping her dreadlocks back. “We just don’t recognise your authority is all!”

“Wonderful,” Pezutti muttered under his breath.

“Perhaps if you tried being more forceful,” Peachey added, grinning slightly. She was enjoying this, having thought ‘Fuck the Patriarchy’ quite a few times in her career.

“What are your names?” Pezutti asked.

There was a small crowd of tourists gathering around the column now, taking photographs. The redheaded woman waved, and got a roar of approval when she tapped the plastic cock playfully. It bobbed in an undignified manner.

“That’s Artemisia and I’m Boudica,” offered the red-head.

Another roar of approval soared from the crowd and both women waved languorously. Peachey’s radio chattered at her waist but she ignored it for the minute. A man with a very expensive looking camera had clambered up on one of the lions to get a better photo of the banner. 

“Nice try Maddie,” retorted Pezutti, and both women cheered.

“Hey! How did you guess?” Boudica, possibly known as Maddie, shouted gleefully, giving the cock beside her an experimental tug.

“I arrested you last month. Remember? The vagina wall?” Pezutti shouted, then blushed immediately when everyone laughed and turned to look at him.

“It’s called Artivism,” the woman who was probably _not_ called Artemisia explained.

“Well you’ve had quite a bit of exposure,” coaxed Peachey. “You know, lots of tourists, and there are at least two journos here. How about you call that a successful outing and pop back down.”

The women looked at each other, which meant peering around the end of the purple knob to ensure enough eye contact.

“That seems a bit too much like conformity, really,” said Maddie.

“It definite doesn’t align with my aspirations as an agent of chaos,” laughed not-Artemisia.

“It’s also going to storm!” shouted Pezutti, gesturing towards the rolling dark crowding the horizon.

“Well that’s a different matter entirely,” said Maddie. “Jobs off, Cathy.”

Peachey and Pezutti watched as the two women scaled down the column, their ease suggesting this was not their first successful monument summit.

“What about those?” Pezutti pointed at the banner and the sad looking phallus.

“Definitely seems like a job for a man,” said Cathy.

“A homophobic one,” suggested Maddie.

“Call in someone to get it down,” Pezutti ordered Peachey. “We’ll take these two to Charing Cross.”

The ride to the station was uneventful although Peachey, Pezutti decided, was finding the two in the back far more hilarious than she should. He was glad to get them out of the wagon, through an excruciating interview each, and then to the watch-house while he decided what to do with them.

“What law did we break anyway?” Cathy demanded through the door.

“No more than one knob per bellend,” Maddie said seriously.

“Now, now,” said Pezutti. “We already discussed that, remember? It’s the Police Reform and Social Responsibility Act 2011.”

“You literally could not get two more socially responsible citizens than us,” complained Cathy.

Pezutti groaned. He only had two more hours on his shift and he really wasn’t in the mood. He hustled one of them out to make a telephone call. He prayed to any deity listening that they knew someone who could post bail. He probably could just caution them, but the cock had been a bit much. 

He waited while the small, dangerous looking one punched numbers into the phone. 

Maddie drummed her fingers on a stainless steel shelf as the telephone rang. She smiled prettily at the Sergeant, who rolled his eyes at her and tapped his watch. She clicked her tongue stud against her teeth and he looked away. She heard a slight noise as her call connected. Well, she thought, at least he answered the phone. That was a start.

“Hello?” 

Maddie immediately recognised the slightly posh tones of Snapey’s favourite girl. “Cindy!”

“Oh. Er. Hello? Maddie?”

“Cathy and I are currently guests of her maj do us a favour and pick us up?”

“Sorry. What?”

Maddie sighed a long suffering sigh. “We have been arrested by the pigs. We need bail at Charing Cross.”

“Fine. Sure. I’ll sort something out,” the voice said hesitantly. 

Maddie grinned. “See you soon!”

It was only an hour later when Peachey unlocked the door.

“Come on ladies, you’ve made bail. Off you go and behave yourself until court!” She ushered them out with all the practiced ease of someone who’d herded many recalcitrant less-than law abiding citizens.

“Cindy, thank feck you turned up,” Maddie complained to the perplexed looking woman waiting for them at the front counter.

“What did you get arrested for?” the woman asked.

“Usual shit,” complained Maddie.

“Artistic political statement,” explained Cathy.

“Oh, okay then,” said Hermione.

“We put a cock on Nelson,” Cathy added. “And called out the patriarchy.”

“Ah,” Hermione said.

They walked down the front steps together. 

No one really said anything else until they were on the underground. Hermione, Cathy and Maddie sat in a relatively empty carriage. Their companions were a teenage couple eating each other’s faces and an elderly lady who smiled at them when they sat near her. The carriage smelt of body odour and texta.

The three women sat in silence as the doors closed and the train moved off. 

“We’ll pay you back,” Cathy said finally. “The bail money.”

“Oi who’s we?” asked Maddie.

“Actually, don’t worry about it. I used someone else’s money,” Hermione said dismissively.

Maddie whistled. “Oh nice one Cindy. Snaffle Snapey’s wallet then?”

Hermione shook her head. “No, just some money. Don’t worry about it. If it makes you feel better it’s probably money made from something morally dubious and almost certainly racially extremist.”

Cathy and Maddie stared at her for a moment then they both burst out laughing.

“Cindy, you deviant bint!” Maddie crowed.

“Oh I like the idea of that,” Cathy said, bravely leaning back against the vaguely sticky seat. “Dirty money doing some good, right?”

“Possibly,” said Hermione, “or even probably. Who knows?”

They made their way back to The Hive, actually, to BOURGEOIS CUNTS, after Maddie convinced Hermione to put more of her money to good use. That good use being buying everyone at least two rounds. Hermione shrugged and agreed. 

They found Snape sat at an outside table, giving every indication of listening to Val complaining loudly. He looked up when the three women walked up to the table.

“Well this looks suspicious,” he said, eyeing them shrewdly.

Hermione, to Maddie’s immense amusement, went bright red.

“Feck off,” Maddie said and sat down next to him. “We’ve been bonding.”

Both of Snape’s eyebrows lifted. “How unsettling,” he said.

“It’s a coven,” said Cathy. “The power of three and all that,”

“So you’re witches now are you?” Snape asked, hiding a slight smile behind his ale. Maddie could see him exchange a look with Hermione. So things were still moving along well between them then...

“Powerful too, zap off your bollocks if I felt like it,” Maddie added.

“I have no doubt you’d all be terrifying,” said Snape.

“Cindy too?” Cathy asked, returning with three drinks and the change for Hermione.

“Definitely the most terrifying of all,” Snape agreed with a smirk.


End file.
